So I'm listening to the funk station on Pandora this morning and a pretty good song comes on that I'm liking, so I check my phone to see who sings it. Then I start laughing because the album cover is so unintentionally hilarious.
Sir, your beam is on my face.
1st: The expression on the dude holding the light's face. "That's right ladies, my wang is a gigantic radar gun that shoots pink light out."
2nd: The phallically positioned light is splashing its pink love glow all over his brother/bandmate's face.
3rd: The name of the band, The Brothers Johnson, fits so well with this image, needing only an apostrophe for maximum humor. "The Brother's Johnson" is so fitting for this image it makes me want to cry.
4th: The gentleman on the left is so blissfully unaware of the implications of the scene, including his brother's peen light on his face, that his expression reads, "I look cool, right? My lighting's good, yes?"
I think they were shooting for, "Hello, ladies...check THIS out."
They ended up with, "Hey bro, mind if I splash my dong light on your face while you mug into the camera?"
So I'm listening to the funk station on Pandora this morning and a pretty good song comes on that I'm liking, so I check my phone to see who sings it. Then I start laughing because the album cover is so unintentionally hilarious.
The first Black Friday sale.
Sooo....Thanksgiving was good. Food was good. What's not good is that I have slept about 12 hours this week.
Thanks to my shit-ass job I was crabby the whole day. Why my job? They're making me work the day after Thanksgiving, so we literally had to drive for 3 hours the night before, arriving at my sister's at 1am. Then we had to drive home after eating all that turkey so I could go to bed early in order to work the next day.
So...when we got to my sister's we crashed out on an air mattress (which she was kind enough to provide, thank you!) but it jacked my back up. Add to this the fact that my wife is fighting with the dog to get it to lay down, and you have a recipe for insomnia.
It's all good though because once I got into a deep sleep, she woke me up to inform me I was snoring. There goes that attempt at sleep.
So I was a crabby bitch all day. I apologize.
On the way home, we see a traffic marquee that says, "HEAVY CONGESTION IN WOODBURN, USE LEFT LANE FOR THROUGH TRAFFIC". There are outlet stores for many high profile chain stores in Woodburn, so we figured they must have been some type of event going on.
About 5 miles from Woodburn, we see the rotating spotlights shining into the sky like it's a 1940's Hollywood movie premiere or soemthing. About a mile from Woodburn, traffic starts slowing.
The right lane is completely stopped. They're all trying to get off the freeway to get to the outlet stores, which are open. At 10pm THANKSGIVING NIGHT.
The southbound side of the freeway was backed up for MILES. Probably about 5 miles or so. That's 4 lanes of traffic, stopped. All because these retards want to get a few bucks off some stuff.
That Black Friday crap has gotten out of hand.
Anyway, we get home around 10:30pm last night. Overnight, my email inbox gets a fresh, steaming pile of emails advertising ULTRA LOW BLACK FRIDAY PRICES. I'll admit, I checked them out. I even ordered something.
But that's the thing: Do you think companies can afford to sell all this shit as a loss? No, they sell "loss leaders" to get you in the door so you'll buy other shit too. In order for Black Friday to be a good deal for you, you have to be a ninja. Get in there, get the loss leader, then bail. Don't let them upsell you on the heated socks. It's not a good deal if you get a new HDTV for $400 and end up buying $1000 in cables and blu ray players.
So, since they're making me work today, I'm typing up a lengthy blog entry on my employer's dime. Take that motherf*ckers.
Oh and one more thing. My boss, of "You have to work the Friday after Thanksgiving" fame? She called out sick today. I hate you so much. Fuck you.
I just saw the new version of this commercial, which has been running since 1894, featuring the age defying blah blah blah buy our stuff.
The thing that caught me was that her skin was flawless even though she's a hundred and fourty eight years old.
I guess this is supposed to make you think how well the product works, but mostly it made me think they must have hired Lucasfilm to get her to look that young.
It actually ended up being very distracting. Instead of thinking about their product I ended up thinking about what the last movie was that I saw that actress in.
I think it was Groundhog Day.
Check out the pictures. Guess what that means.
Didn't get it?
That means my motherf*cking truck just broke down on the hottest motherf*cking day of the year in RUSH HOUR FUCKING TRAFFIC!!!
Did I mention it's hot enough to cook your face off in 13 seconds out here?
So I'm cruising to work, AC pumping, hoping traffic's not bad, when I hear a *poff* sound and the engine dies. I'm in the left lane on a 4 lane freeway.
In situations like these, you have to think quickly or you could get in trouble even more quickly.
So I put on the blinker, and with the lord's name on my lips, a shriveling scrotum and a butt taking a bite out of my seat, dive across to the shoulder.
I get three honks and one smoking brake stand from my fellow commuters, but I made it.
I called Speed's Supertow, and they had someone here in 5 minutes, and also cut me a deal because I told them I was low on fundage, so there's the silver lining.
After calling in to work, my boss calls me back to let me know to take the night off and take care of my situation. That was nice.
Now I get to go home and see what the damages are.
I hate Mondays.
So, Andre Miller is now a Blazer, that's pretty awesome. I like the guy, and even though his skills are on the decline, he'll be a good steadying hand for our young team. Plus the 3rd year on his contract is a team option, so if his abilities really go in the shitter we can let him go.
Changing subjects, for my current job in the Wells Fargo Phallus I have 2 options. Either pay $10 per night to park in a garage, or park across the river and ride Portland's MAX. I do both, depending on my tolerance that day for the sweating masses. (On a side note, I think it's pretty gay that I don't get access to the WF employee garage, WTF is that?)
On my way home on the MAX today the tram breaks down, leaving hundreds of people with only one thing in common stranded. That one thing? Anger. Everyone's annoyed as shit. Firstly, that the MAX is stuck, secondly, that they have to ride this giant smelly tube of bacteria twice a day.
It only takes 5 minutes of sitting stalled for the drunk hispanic fellow to start bitching, adding to everyone's already chipper mood. The conductor gets on the intercom, tells everyone to hold onto something, we're moving again, and we go one stop before breaking down again.
At least at the next stop we get some entertainment. This week is Portland's famous Brewer's Festival, which is located, you guessed it, right by the stop we're stalled at. So we get treated to the antics of the realistic lesbian (who is nothing like the ones who run atound in my head, they don't have mullets and weigh >200 lbs) who's had plenty too much to drink. Yay.
Add to all this that I have a borderline migraine and once I get off this train i'll get to drive in rush hour traffic for another hour. Life is good.
At least I can write while hating it. Does that come across at all?
Observation of the day:
If you're unhappy with your job, and your job entails you serving the public all day every day (i.e. Starbucks Barista) you should do us all a favor and quit. It can't be hard to find a job at least equally demeaning sans the customer interaction.
Then, when you think about returning to customer service, instead you should jump in front of a speeding minivan.
That way, when I go to get my cup of coffee, you're not polluting my good mood with your self loathing and bitter feelings about your stature in life.
This goes out to you, mid twenties chubby brunette female barista at the 3rd & Jefferson Starbucks.
My sister emailed me today and said one of her middle school teachers thought my writing was very clever, or something like that.
This caused a fair amount of surprise for me, usually the feedback I receive uses words like "insulting" "lowbrow" and "idiotic" copiously.
I kid, hardly anyone reads my blog, mostly because my lazy ass hasn't been posting. However, I would like to thank middle school teacher lady for her effusive praise.
Now that my holiday from blogging has officially been broken, I would like to write a bit about something I hold near and dear to me. Corporate employment. That's right boys and girls, the whole reason you're getting this post is because I have a job that, while paying the bills and I'm very appreciative for, sucks.
What job have I ever had that didn't? There's been a couple, but none recently. Getting back to my work, I finally figured it out! I write when I'm unhappy. It's an outlet that, when I'm content, is unneeded for my wellbeing and happiness.
If I'm stressed about money, unhappy with my career, upset with my favorite soap opera, etc...I love to write. When I'm content, fat & happy, I think about it, but end up being all "meh" and don't.
I write this on my cell phone as I sit on the patio of a gigantic building in downtown Portland which rises majestically into the city skyline like a huge symbol of some CEO's shortcoming. I guess if that was the case I'm drinking my coffee and writing while seated on the Wells Fargo Tower's nutsack.
I have to get back to work, but rest assured, this job will make me post more...I promise!
been busy doing productive things like working, earning money, building
houses for orphaned kids, etc...unfortunately that would be a lie. I've
been slacking, straight up.
Watched the Blazer game last night while texting and twittering with
some other fans. It was good to watch the Lakers get humbled (see:
crushed, dominated, pwned, etc...) until Cheapshot McGee (aka Trevor
Ariza) decided to put Rudy Fernandez into the stanchion at a dead run.
Rudy was taken off the floor on a stretcher and hospitalized overnight.
Xrays and CT scans were good, so hopefully there's no long lasting
This was bad sportsmanship of the worst kind...you're down by 30, you
don't foul someone from behind who's running for an open court dunk.
That was just dirty ball.
In addition to this, Lakers fans showed their ignorance in droves via
Twitter, where, after doing a quick search, keyword "Rudy", the Lakers
fans were spewing all types of vileness about how their player did the
right thing by flinging Rudy into the hoop stanchion at a dead run.
Stay classy, Laker fans. May those who were showing your idiocy be
struck with herpes of the face.
One of the best parts was when Brandon Roy went after Ariza after the
foul, he was pissed! Any Blazer fan knows, you never see that side of
the Roy Wonder. He's usually the calmest dude there.
Either way, well played game. For us.
The Lakers? Not so much. Enjoy washing the Blazer's cars, fellas.
Ever notice that traffic sucks? Have you ever stopped to think that rather than hating everyone else, YOU are someone else's bad traffic?
Kind of makes you get all existential regarding your perception of the world around you.
Or you could be like me and think anyone you don't know personally is an asshole.
ESPN goes crazy with the rumored trades in the NBA, with superstar
players getting shipped everywhere and your favorite team obtaining all
types of fantastic, season-altering difference makers.
It's like the Olympics. It only happens once every four years, and it
gets hyped so much that you can't help but get excited, but then you're
just let down when you watch it because nothing is "Four Years Of Hype"
What has happened this year? Shawn Marion for Jermaine O'Neal? Meh.
One's a cancer and the other has knees made of eggshells.
Brad Miller and John Salmons for Andres Nocioni, Cedric Simmons, and
Drew Gooden's Goatee? Not even close. Miller's over the hill, Salmons is
a decent player but MUST START. Nocioni is a hustler though. Drew Gooden
is just a weird dude.
The best thing to happen so far was Tyson Chandler for Joe Smith and
Chris Wilcox. I had to check my eyes. Someone's been taking lessons from
Grizzlies GM Chris Wallace. (AKA the guy who traded Pau Gasol for some
Hot Wheels and a Red Ryder BB Gun)
Other than that, I always expect something crazy which never
materializes. Will it happen this year? We'll see. Less than 24 hours
remain. Let the superstars fly!
My dad is getting a DVR for the first time ever this afternoon. He's 59 years old. Expect another blog post in a couple days titled: "Dad Gets DVR: Hilarity Ensues"
So the New Orleans Hornets are torpedoing their season by trading a great center for two expiring contracts, a hamster in a wheel, and the remains of a ham sandwich. It underscores the severity of the economic situation in the major sports leagues. Basically they're saying, "We don't expect to win, nor are we willing to pay to do so. Here's our championship hopes, please write us a check for them."
On the flip side, this will be a huge benefit for my hometown Blazers. With Raef Lafrentz's'z expiring contract, we should have people tossing us ridunkulous offers over the next 24 hours. It should be exciting to see what happens. I don't care who they trade as long as they don't touch Bayless or Batum. Aldrige, Oden, and Roy are untouchable as is, obviously. Anyone else? Meh. Trade em if it makes us better.
On espn.com they already have those popover/under/autoplay STFU already advertisements for Transformers 2: Robotic Boogaloo. Am I getting old or are these movies coming out faster than ever? Didn't that movie just come out last year?
Either way it looks awesome. I, for one, couldn't be happier with the increased production speed.
As the famous line from Fight Club goes:
"This is your life. And you're wasting it one minute at a time."
If you already didn't know, I'm having a hard time dealing with my job this week. I want to move on, but jobs are hard to come by these days. Especially with the market over-saturated with out-of-work mortgage professionals.
So, what to do? Give myself an ulcer by stressing about going to a job that makes me die a little every day?
Nay. I'm going to start writing again. As I read once, writing while working is your friend. You don't have the pressure of having to use your writing to put food on the table. We've all read these books where the author craps out the final 300 pages of a decent setup because they're either A) up against a deadline, B) need some money, or C) got tired of the book they're writing. I'm looking at you, Dean Koontz.
I'm just going to have to make an effort to get some quiet time after work to do some writing.
That's my New Week's Resolution. Wish me luck!
I was on my way home from the gym the other night and I saw this thing driving down the street. So, with a blatant disregard for public safety, I snapped a photo of it as I drove by, managing to keep the truck in one lane. Don't mind the blurriness, and yes, those are crackers on my dash.
Anyway, what the hell is this thing? Looks like a smart car had sex with a tractor or something.
You tell me!
Man this should be a fun game to watch. ESPN has CLE as the favorite, 58% to 42%.
First and foremost, King James. He's going to score, definitely, but will he bring the MVP or the spot up jump shooter who pounds the air out of the ball?
Brandon Roy: he's been having a hard time scoring the last couple games, will he snap out of it tonight?
Mo Williams: this guy's my x factor tonight. We know Lebron's going for 30, but can we limit the little guy's offense? Portland's defense isn't exactly stingy with scoring point guards. However, with the emergence of Jerryd Bayless, it might be a different story.
A Tale Of Two Odens: he's a rookie, he's gonna be inconsistent. If we get the version that played vs the Milwaukee Male Deer, we've got a good shot. More likely Greg gets in foul trouble early because of Sideshow Rob's flailing dervish act and Big Ben's D.
Rebounding is also key. If Portland can get offensive rebounds, we'll have a good shot at winning this game.
We'll see what happens!
I'm currently standing outside my work waiting for Arturo's Taco Truck to make my lunch. A tow truck driver goes by, trolling the parking lot for cars without a parking permit. We make eye contact. I flash back to last year.....
So, my first day at a new job. Guess what happens? I get called away from orientation because my truck is getting towed. I look great to my employer, obviously, as I jump up, run out and try to save myself from tow charges.
I get to the security desk and the security guard, (can't remember his name, but thank god for him) is down there telling this asshole tow truck driver who looks like Tick-Tock of Oz only with sweat stains that I was a new employee and hadn't received the guidelines for the parking lot.
So Fat-Shit McDoucheface says to me, "You better learn where to park, I had your truck up in the air before he stopped me."
What I wanted to say was, "Go eff yourself you fat ass bag of dicks." What I ended up saying, being my first day and all, was, "Sorry, I didn't know."
These are the types of things that drive me insane. Every person who's ever gone postal and shot up their workplace has probably had an encounter with a tow truck driver earlier in the day.
Since then he's left little written warnings on my truck twice. One was for parking too close to the next spot...not over the line, just too close, and the other warning was for parking backwards. If you're in a row of double parking spots like in this ascii diagram:
Don't you pull forward into the one in front of you if it's empty? Yeah, Fatty Bag O' Dicks wrote me a warning for that.
So, in summary, tow truck drivers pretty much suck.
I'm really trying to take last night's game with a grain of salt, but it was exciting to see GO come alive last night versus the Milwaukee Male Deers.
He was rebounding like Dwight Howard, had the energy of Allen Iverson, the savvy of Phoenix Shaq and the dunking ferocity of Orlando Shaq. Combine that with the youthful good looks of Old Man Time and you've got an All Star in the making!
I know that Milwaukee didn't have their center and they were very undersized, but man....it was some exciting stuff.
I'm keeping my fingers crossed that Oden can stay healthy and continue to build on last night's momentum.
These things look pretty good I guess. The blue one reminds me of a Utah Jazz uni though. Hopefully we'll get to see Brandon Roy in one of the West unis this year.
I'm not sure why they went with the futuristic design. Is there something about Phoenix that we don't know? Have they mastered time travel? Are we going to see Dr. J, Magic, and MJ take on Kobe, Superman and Lebron?
Tune in All Star weekend to find out.
I think, today, on the day of the inaguration of our 44th president, the foremost question on most people's minds is this: Can our new president dunk?
This issue weighs heavily on the American public. What better way to settle a dispute between warring countries than a quick game of one-on-one?
I would love nothing more than to see President Obama crossover, jab-step, then blow by Kim Jong-Il for a nasty teabagging rim rocker.
Imagine a world where a political summit included a charity game including the likes of Jessica Alba, Jack Nicholson, Snoop Dogg, Jessica Biel, and Justin Timberlake sitting on the sidelines cheering on.
Border dispute? That's a game of 21. Imagine Russian President Medvedev playing some Euro style hoops versus Obama's hard nosed Eastern Conference style defense.
This, my friends, is a great day, for basketball.
Say it ain't so. According to an Australian news site, the 'stache is making a comeback on the heels of several Hollywood stars sporting them.
Don't get me wrong, I loved Magnum P.I. too, but unless you're Brad Pitt, Tom Selleck, or Chuck Norris, chances are your 'stache is more Ned Flanders than the Beastie Boys in the Sabotage video.
I really don't understand the current trend of the 80's making a comeback. I was there, the 80's were quite possibly the gayest era ever. Hairspray, legwarmers, leotards? All making a comeback.
The 70's at least had good music. Led Zeppelin, Creedence Clearwater Revival, Steve Miller Band, Blue Oyster Cult...what did the 80's have? Frankie Goes To Hollywood. Olivia Newton John. Talking F***ing Heads.
Remember those retarded sunglasses they had that were slotted plastic instead of actual tinted lenses? I saw a kid wearing those the other day, strutting like he was soooo awesome, while simultaneously looking like a complete and utter tool.
Oh well, what can you do?
Get off my lawn.
According to a report in the NY Post, Knicks center Eddy Curry has been slapped with a sexual harassment lawsuit by a former employee.
His former driver states that Curry (listed at 6'11" and a shockingly inaccurate 285 lbs) harassed former driver David Kuchinsky on several occasions, approaching him in the nude and telling him, "Look at me, Dave, look" and "Come and touch it, Dave."
The chauffeur also accused Curry of hurling several racial slurs at him, which we won't name here.
In an absolutely unsurprising statement, Curry's lawyer states the allegations are "absolutely untrue."
So, the Grizz re-signed Darius Miles. It was only a matter of time I suppose.
As a Blazer fan this disappoints me, but what can you do. Larry Miller and his now famous email threatening to sue any team who signs Darius with bad intentions toward the Blazers' cap have to be disappointed as well.
I understand the reasoning for the email, I just don't understand the lack of forethought. I know they wanted to make it clear that they didn't want someone wrecking their salary cap out of spite, but I'm not a lawyer and I could tell you it's going to be nearly impossible to prove that someone signed a player out of malice towards your salary cap.
All it takes is for the defense to say: "We like what Darius Miles brings to our team as a player." Discussion over. There is no way a judge, the NBA, or the NBPA is going to allow Portland to sue one of their partners for hiring a qualified employee.
It was a poorly executed bluff which gave the new darlings of the NBA a black eye. Lately Blazers management has done everything right, so I forgive them this once.
Next time, think before sending out that email. I know it's a lot of money, but it didn't stop anybody.
On a side note: Darius Miles is a douchebag. The whole time he was "rehabbing" here in Portland, he spent the majority of his time smoking, drinking, and going to strip clubs. Were I a team owner I wouldn't touch his cancerous behind with a ten foot pole.
Don't get me wrong. I like Sir Charles. To me, he's the only reason to watch "Inside The NBA" on TNT. I'm damn sure no one would watch that show just for Ernie Johnson.
Myself, I like to watch Chuck heckle EJ, Kenny, the viewers, etc.
I enjoy watching his take on games (he really doesn't care what people think, if he thinks a team sucks, he says they suck.) and his take on players. (I.E. "Lattrell Sprewell is a knucklehead!")
Unfortunately, the thing you love about Sir Charles is the same thing which is causing him to take a leave of absence from TNT's show.
After being pulled over last week for running a stop sign, the Round Mound Of Profound was quoted as saying the reason he was speeding was that he was "in a hurry to pick up a girl that gave me a *UNDERCARRIAGE BUFFING* last week" and that "it was the best one I have ever had." Hey, at least he's honest. We love him for that, right?
Who wouldn't be speeding if they knew the best beej they'd ever gotten in their life was waiting for them around the corner? You?
Problem is, he was drunk. As a man, I have no problem with driving recklessly because you're in a hurry to get some killer jawbone.
Unfortunately he was drunk, which I do have a problem with.
So, Sir Charles, your credibility is kind of shot with me now. Next time you talk about Lattrell Sprewell getting his yacht repossessed and how he's a knucklehead, the only thought going through my head will be: "At least he didn't get pulled over for driving drunk while on his way to get his **PHONE TALKED ON**"
Way to go Chuck.
This is sure to be a discussion that's never been had before.
Who was the best James Bond?
1) I have to go with Sean Connery. Not because his movies are better or because he was the coolest, but because he was the first.
Without him, we wouldn't have the charming, tuxedo-wearing, martini-swilling, henchman-slaying, cocky, debonair lady's man portrayed in all 30-some-odd movies.
All the mannerisms and behavior originated with Sean Connery's interpretation of the famed British spy.
Who is MY favorite?
Daniel Craig hands down. Lots of people will disagree, but those who "get" the new JB movies will understand. He's just so damn cool. I think I might have a non-gay man crush on him.
Worst James Bond?
Roger Moore. Wooden-acting, hairy-backed, cheesy-delivering douchebag. Worst. Bond. Ever.
Hottest Bond Girl?
Anyone who knows me knows the answer to this. Halle Berry.
Who do you guys like?
Trying out posting via email from my G1. Welcome to those who have been involuntarily added to my post update list. I'm sure you're grateful. :)
Has anyone else noticed that when someone posts an emoticon heart <3 it looks like a pointy penis and balls? Just saying. Maybe I'm just a Freudian wet dream.
- ► November (8)
- ► July (7)
- ► February (7)
- Blazers versus Bobcats @ the Rose Garden, chat in ...
- Global warming my arse
- WTF kind of car is this?
- BLAZERS V CAVS SMACKDOWN 7PM @ THE ROSE GARDEN
- TOW TRUCK DRIVERS ARE ASSHOLES
- GREG ODEN THINKS HE'S SHAQ
- Sarah Connor designs 2009 NBA All-Star uniforms
- CAN OBAMA DUNK?
- MUSTACHES MAKING A COMEBACK?
- EDDY CURRY IS TEH GHEY?
- THE BLAZERS HAVE BAD P.R. SKILLS
- CHARLES BARKLEY IS A KNUCKLEHEAD
- Who's your favorite James Bond?
- Test post