If you cough, like for no reason, all day, you might want to quit smoking.

 

If you are a woman, but sound like Sam Elliot, you might want to quit smoking.

 

If you have to hack and spit up loogies constantly, you might want to quit smoking.

 

If you have to go outside once an hour because you're jonesing, you might want to quit smoking.

 

If you have recently had to decide whether to buy groceries or cigarettes, you might want to quit smoking.

 

 

As an ex-smoker, I get it. I enjoyed smoking for years. But as someone who quit and knows that with a few days of willpower you can quit as well, I don't have any sympathy.

 

This goes out to the tuberculosis ward that sits around me at work. The woman that sounds like George Carlin, the guy that is constantly trying to hawk up loogies, the other guy that leaves his desk every half hour so he can smoke. You should all consider some Nicoderm, Nicorette, or NicoSTFU.

With the proliferation of pink "Save The Boobies" campaigns at an all time high, it made me wonder, what color would the testicle cancer campaign have?

 

Would there be purple ribbons everywhere with signs in flowing script saying "The Ron Jeremy Foundation's Race For The Cure" or would they be blue?

 

Personally I think blue balls would be hilarious. Would men band together and walk the event wearing a shirt that says "Save The Balls" or "This is for my cousin's testicles"?

 

Would we have to deal with blue signage, bags, stickers, posters, and cleverly designed testicle graphics?

 

Picture a campaign on the scale of the breast cancer campaign. Only for nuts.

 

Am I the only one who finds that hilarious?

The first Black Friday sale.

Sooo....Thanksgiving was good. Food was good. What's not good is that I have slept about 12 hours this week.

Thanks to my shit-ass job I was crabby the whole day. Why my job? They're making me work the day after Thanksgiving, so we literally had to drive for 3 hours the night before, arriving at my sister's at 1am. Then we had to drive home after eating all that turkey so I could go to bed early in order to work the next day.

So...when we got to my sister's we crashed out on an air mattress (which she was kind enough to provide, thank you!) but it jacked my back up. Add to this the fact that my wife is fighting with the dog to get it to lay down, and you have a recipe for insomnia.

It's all good though because once I got into a deep sleep, she woke me up to inform me I was snoring. There goes that attempt at sleep.

So I was a crabby bitch all day. I apologize.

On the way home, we see a traffic marquee that says, "HEAVY CONGESTION IN WOODBURN, USE LEFT LANE FOR THROUGH TRAFFIC". There are outlet stores for many high profile chain stores in Woodburn, so we figured they must have been some type of event going on.

About 5 miles from Woodburn, we see the rotating spotlights shining into the sky like it's a 1940's Hollywood movie premiere or soemthing. About a mile from Woodburn, traffic starts slowing.

The right lane is completely stopped. They're all trying to get off the freeway to get to the outlet stores, which are open. At 10pm THANKSGIVING NIGHT.

The southbound side of the freeway was backed up for MILES. Probably about 5 miles or so. That's 4 lanes of traffic, stopped. All because these retards want to get a few bucks off some stuff.

That Black Friday crap has gotten out of hand.

Anyway, we get home around 10:30pm last night. Overnight, my email inbox gets a fresh, steaming pile of emails advertising ULTRA LOW BLACK FRIDAY PRICES. I'll admit, I checked them out. I even ordered something.

But that's the thing: Do you think companies can afford to sell all this shit as a loss? No, they sell "loss leaders" to get you in the door so you'll buy other shit too. In order for Black Friday to be a good deal for you, you have to be a ninja. Get in there, get the loss leader, then bail. Don't let them upsell you on the heated socks. It's not a good deal if you get a new HDTV for $400 and end up buying $1000 in cables and blu ray players.

So, since they're making me work today, I'm typing up a lengthy blog entry on my employer's dime. Take that motherf*ckers.

Oh and one more thing. My boss, of "You have to work the Friday after Thanksgiving" fame? She called out sick today. I hate you so much. Fuck you.

"Abstinence Makes The Church Grow Fondlers"

So the lady that sits next row over asks a general question this morning, "How do you spell cocoon?"

 

Me, being the huge Wilford Brimley fan that I am, know the spelling of said word, but out of curiosity I listen to the responses.

 

Five people chime in. Not one of them spells it correctly. The woman who asked the question ends up going with: C-A-C-O-O-N.

 

It's official, you can do my job even if you're retarded.

FYI, If you act like you are smarter than others but they end up being smarter than you, that makes you look twice as stupid.

 

Shout out to my neighbor at work.

So in response to my post yesterday-

 

Today someone who sits behind me sneezed and the person next to me said, "Bless you!"

 

Apparently they're not mannerless heathens, they just don't like me.

 

I don't know why, my disposition is positively sunny.

 

 

What is wrong with people that they can't even acknowledge each other anymore? I understand I live in a city, I get that sometimes it's a hostile environment. I just have a problem with the fact that it carries over into work.

 

I work in an office with twenty people surrounding me. I have this weird tic that when I drink strong coffee, I sneeze about 3 seconds later. Weird, I know. But when I'm drinking said coffee (see: Every morning) I sneeze quite a bit. NOT ONE PERSON WHO SITS AROUND ME HAS THE COMMON MANNERS TO SAY "BLESS YOU".

 

Not sure why, I just figure it's because they're douchebags and assholes. Which brings me to my next point. Why does no one make eye contact or say hello at work? Just because I work in a tightly packed concrete penis with forty stories of disgruntled workers doesn't mean people can't at least give each other a nod, smile, wink, grunt...hell I'd take a middle finger at this point.

 

If you walk by me in the hall, just nod, or say hello, or something.

 

Case in point. I go to the bathroom. When I enter, it's empty, I get rid of some coffee, go to wash my hands. As I turn around from a urinal to get to the sink, some dude walks in. I try to make eye contact just to be polite, but he walks past me, eyes fixed, like he's smuggling a kilo through customs. In this instance the kilo would his johnson, which he would be smuggling to...never mind. Point is, he avoided me like I was going to stab him and take his money. And he was my CO-WORKER.

 

I can bitch all I want, but these people will never change.

 

Maybe I'll just start saying hello really really loudly as they pass me. Startle those bastards out of their little shells.