More updates soon. I promise.

I went to get groceries at Winco bright and early this morning, and there was an Indian gentleman (from India, not Native American) and his wife at the store with their four children.

Haha, Matt Groening is racist.

The children were bad. Not like "Oh dear, Timmy is throwing a tantrum again," more like "Timmy shot someone again" or "Timmy, put the knife down, I promise to buy you Pop Tarts, please don't stab me you little psychopath".

Like this, but in a grocery store.

The kids knew they outnumbered the parents (who weren't paying much attention) so they were basically just flying around like rogue satellites, knocking stuff off shelves, punching each other, screaming at the top of their lungs, throwing things, and in general being little assholes.

As I walked to the car, they were ahead of me, all four kids hanging from the side of the cart like Kenyan train hangers. While I was loading my groceries, the dad was wheedling, cajoling, and bribing his spawn into the car, to which their response was to cry, scream, and throw tantrums.

All in all, it made me glad I no longer have young children and also made me wonder how much money it would take to get pro-child-tasering legislation to pass.

This was on a 50 year old woman's minivan.

So I'm listening to the funk station on Pandora this morning and a pretty good song comes on that I'm liking, so I check my phone to see who sings it. Then I start laughing because the album cover is so unintentionally hilarious.













Sir, your beam is on my face.



1st: The expression on the dude holding the light's face. "That's right ladies, my wang is a gigantic radar gun that shoots pink light out."


2nd: The phallically positioned light is splashing its pink love glow all over his brother/bandmate's face.


3rd: The name of the band, The Brothers Johnson, fits so well with this image, needing only an apostrophe for maximum humor. "The Brother's Johnson" is so fitting for this image it makes me want to cry.


4th: The gentleman on the left is so blissfully unaware of the implications of the scene, including his brother's peen light on his face, that his expression reads, "I look cool, right? My lighting's good, yes?"


I think they were shooting for, "Hello, ladies...check THIS out."


They ended up with, "Hey bro, mind if I splash my dong light on your face while you mug into the camera?"


Good stuff.

If you cough, like for no reason, all day, you might want to quit smoking.

 

If you are a woman, but sound like Sam Elliot, you might want to quit smoking.

 

If you have to hack and spit up loogies constantly, you might want to quit smoking.

 

If you have to go outside once an hour because you're jonesing, you might want to quit smoking.

 

If you have recently had to decide whether to buy groceries or cigarettes, you might want to quit smoking.

 

 

As an ex-smoker, I get it. I enjoyed smoking for years. But as someone who quit and knows that with a few days of willpower you can quit as well, I don't have any sympathy.

 

This goes out to the tuberculosis ward that sits around me at work. The woman that sounds like George Carlin, the guy that is constantly trying to hawk up loogies, the other guy that leaves his desk every half hour so he can smoke. You should all consider some Nicoderm, Nicorette, or NicoSTFU.

With the proliferation of pink "Save The Boobies" campaigns at an all time high, it made me wonder, what color would the testicle cancer campaign have?

 

Would there be purple ribbons everywhere with signs in flowing script saying "The Ron Jeremy Foundation's Race For The Cure" or would they be blue?

 

Personally I think blue balls would be hilarious. Would men band together and walk the event wearing a shirt that says "Save The Balls" or "This is for my cousin's testicles"?

 

Would we have to deal with blue signage, bags, stickers, posters, and cleverly designed testicle graphics?

 

Picture a campaign on the scale of the breast cancer campaign. Only for nuts.

 

Am I the only one who finds that hilarious?

The first Black Friday sale.

Sooo....Thanksgiving was good. Food was good. What's not good is that I have slept about 12 hours this week.

Thanks to my shit-ass job I was crabby the whole day. Why my job? They're making me work the day after Thanksgiving, so we literally had to drive for 3 hours the night before, arriving at my sister's at 1am. Then we had to drive home after eating all that turkey so I could go to bed early in order to work the next day.

So...when we got to my sister's we crashed out on an air mattress (which she was kind enough to provide, thank you!) but it jacked my back up. Add to this the fact that my wife is fighting with the dog to get it to lay down, and you have a recipe for insomnia.

It's all good though because once I got into a deep sleep, she woke me up to inform me I was snoring. There goes that attempt at sleep.

So I was a crabby bitch all day. I apologize.

On the way home, we see a traffic marquee that says, "HEAVY CONGESTION IN WOODBURN, USE LEFT LANE FOR THROUGH TRAFFIC". There are outlet stores for many high profile chain stores in Woodburn, so we figured they must have been some type of event going on.

About 5 miles from Woodburn, we see the rotating spotlights shining into the sky like it's a 1940's Hollywood movie premiere or soemthing. About a mile from Woodburn, traffic starts slowing.

The right lane is completely stopped. They're all trying to get off the freeway to get to the outlet stores, which are open. At 10pm THANKSGIVING NIGHT.

The southbound side of the freeway was backed up for MILES. Probably about 5 miles or so. That's 4 lanes of traffic, stopped. All because these retards want to get a few bucks off some stuff.

That Black Friday crap has gotten out of hand.

Anyway, we get home around 10:30pm last night. Overnight, my email inbox gets a fresh, steaming pile of emails advertising ULTRA LOW BLACK FRIDAY PRICES. I'll admit, I checked them out. I even ordered something.

But that's the thing: Do you think companies can afford to sell all this shit as a loss? No, they sell "loss leaders" to get you in the door so you'll buy other shit too. In order for Black Friday to be a good deal for you, you have to be a ninja. Get in there, get the loss leader, then bail. Don't let them upsell you on the heated socks. It's not a good deal if you get a new HDTV for $400 and end up buying $1000 in cables and blu ray players.

So, since they're making me work today, I'm typing up a lengthy blog entry on my employer's dime. Take that motherf*ckers.

Oh and one more thing. My boss, of "You have to work the Friday after Thanksgiving" fame? She called out sick today. I hate you so much. Fuck you.

"Abstinence Makes The Church Grow Fondlers"